Swing Higher! Higher!

When I was four I became aware that I may be different then the others. And even if it wasn't true, I wanted it to be so. I spent the next fifty years trying to define that feeling. I look back and well there isn't much difference between wanting to be different and being different. You create your destiny as it is destined. You just learn to pay attention better and learn coping skills for when your ego wants to over ride.
I started paying attention when I was four on the swing set. I loved, loved, loved swinging. This is where I became conscious of my first level of ambitious tendencies. "Higher..... higher!" Everyday chanting this. Teeth gritting desire wanting to be higher then the kid next to me. I practiced and became highest. I then felt capable to move to the next level. Life now is all about that swing. Forward.... Back....kicking forward....bending knees back. Every swing forward progressing...floating then backwards to save energy for the push to come. Closing my eyes, leaning back, trusting my legs would do the proper propelling as long as I did the work. I'm going back to that swing in a couple of weeks and only now do I now the reason why. I need to remember to pay attention to the steps of destiny and kick my ego to the side. I hope the swing doesn't break in reality or metaphysically. I'm much bigger now. Ha!

Stopping Time in Harlem

I'm in the habit of stopping time. It is an ability I have developed while writing. I go back throughout history,  I take off my shoes, sip the coffee, see textures on pedals and become present of temperature.  I will go back in time to yesterday. I had a very unusual experience crossing the most complex balance of smells between the vague essence of life ending and new ones birthing. Flooding of of past conversations mixed with new and powerful images was simply intriguing and uplifting. I went to my Aunt in Laws, Vivian Leonard's "Home Going" at Refuge Temple 125th st,. Harlem NY. Home Going......says a lot. I learned how to see life respectfully. They taught me how yesterday... and for this I'm so grateful. I witnessed a celebration really, a part of history, a moment starting in the 1930's, single Mom, three kids, apartment on 124th st. and Lenox Ave. Harlem USA. No other place in the world can duplicate this moment in time. I can only imagine what it must of been like....I think of Jazz....the Stylistics..blistering hot summers.. and lots of Pizza and Chinese takeout. But there were other stories of her and my mother in law and ten other children growing up with a "stringent father and sickly mother." Made me wonder how does our environment truly effect our ability to give. Well as the look of it she gave enough. Her children...all college grads (wow)(wow)and her grandchildren.. exceptionally eloquent ...really very special. She gave enough. Those are the gauges we have, in the end, I have learned. Two hundred year old enormous church...300 voices singing, echoing in the swelling bellies of the internal hall. Baptisms and  baking bread in the basement, stain glass pillars reaching the heavens for sure, flower sculptures, as I see it, on top of the elder women's heads. All white, lace, tooling, feathers, embroidery, drapes, sequin's, pearls and other shiny things...in every imaginable shape. Oh and the gloves. I just love those gloves.....historical and in no other place in the world. Then there were the men, all in black suits..... looking tired and wise and very very distinguished no matter their failing posture. I could see their lives in the expression they held so gracefully. What a moment to witness. Almost 90 years of a specific history passing in front of me. What a gift it was......I gained more perspective. When this generation dies we will not see this any longer.....gone....respect.
 I look a bit like an outsider but I feel I fit in somehow.. just fine. My son shares her blood and I became increasingly proud of that. There is one job that she did that may have gone un-noticed. And that is somewhat the point. Many of the younger people related to her were in inter-racial relationships. This is not that normal...(depends on where you live) but this had to do with her and her parents and so forth.....I suppose. Us partners are Dominican, Puerto Rican, German and Norwegian.(simply put that is). So In my opinion this is a vary valuable job she has instilled probably unintentionally or maybe not.  The births then of the grandchildren and the great grandchildren will change the way we see color....we are less likely to hate "ourselves". This is what will in fact change the world. It will take time though....one child at a time. She did her part. I didn't see it before.....she full filled her mission....well done Aunt Mitsi.....well done.

If it is out of control where is it?

I took my sunglasses off
still objects vibrated
I saw nameless colors
the cement was squishy
I knew a new adventure had begun.

Subway Doodle Series.

I'm not completely sure if I know why some portraits turn out to be men or women. I couldn't really write about it that's for sure.... besides the obvious....thicker neck, short hair, facial hair???? That is why these are so intriguing because their is no plan...they just born themselves from some place. Maybe another place that we don't know of and this is there only way of existing here....hmmmmm....

Subway daily Portrait

With everything portrait I feel is about finished I take a photo. This condenses the image and sometimes pronounces a problem to where I can then see it. I then go back and rework it until I feel the problem is solved. Then I change the photo to a Grey scale and check the balance of darks and lights. This helps with accuracy in shaping forms and determining foreground and background. In this piece I feel the the background is confused too much with the foreground and doesn't have enough movement in and out of the piece. Here's a color shot to show how this process helps with understanding the elements of a Mixed Media  Portrait.

Shilo Suleman Enhanced Book Designer

My book is about power house girls from all over the world and every once in a while one of my characters comes to life. Shilo Suleman is one of these special young Indian women who is making a great impact in the Enhance Book industry. So this seriously powerful young girl is tops in my book. Her TED talk is awe inspiring for those who write and or illustrate children's books. She is the Creator of KHOYA available as an I Pad App. Check it out guaranteed to change the way you see (read) books. Click on Shilo Suleman above for all the links to her endeavors.

Kickstarter Project Idea

I expect to take this novel into the enhance book realm. Which is relatively a new concept in reading comprehension as I see it. It could be seen as pure entertainment to others but as an art educator I see everything through that lens of broadening perspective and possibilities. I had set a goal for last summer and then had some personal issues that un-stabelized me for a moment. Trying to concieve writing, illustrating and now a enhanced book app is daunting and sometimes feels unrealistic. So I now I'm focusing on getting interested people involved and learning how to work with others. I love doing things myself but I must really look at the momentum factor at this point. Technology? App design needs to be done right and with a company that knows what it is doing. I have contactedn  Zentro Media who happens to have offices in Santa Barbara and New York which would be ideal (since I spend summers in Santa Barbara). There is a problem though.....I am a few steps ahead of myself. Edit edit edit edit yes........ so I have found a perfect editor who is "on Board" and is perfectly suited for the job. I'm thrilled and the ball is rolling again and happy to say in many different directions at the same time...that is how I work best anyway. 

Daily subway portrait

"When God was a Women"

Sometimes if your open and available books just fall into your life that encapsulate everything you've been trying to process. In fact I would like to talk about creating a new genre of writing. Id like to call it Anthropological fantasy/fiction. Yes that will do. If I could do it all over again I would be an anthropologist. There is no time left for this now.....I've set other goals that will take the rest of my life. So I appreciate women who have done the research for me. Yes I know we should always do our own research but I'm taping into so many beliefs from so many cultures and as far back as ancient times that one just gets lost in the sauce. Remember I'm an artist first, which means I organize the chaos around me to form different ways of seeing. Truth or faith can never truly be fact anyway. Making sense of things is what makes us feel knowledgeable and the passion for our beliefs just gives stability in righteousness. In other words we believe in what we have the ability to believe in...not in the hardness of research, living against the norm, fighting against family tradition and now with the extensive perspective offered in this book, a systematic demolition throughout history to overthrow the Women place as original Creatress.

Portrait subway series

Original done in charcoal and water brush. Added magazine texture to re-image into a traditional head dress of ancient times.

Subway portraits concludes restart

Re focusing incorporates every aspect of life. Every thought, every action becomes an element in the process of output. Stages in writing seem to come in well balanced waves. I sit and absorb, with little judgement, for months... open....allowing life to simply happen the way it just does. Now the stage of preparation has begun. I have my palette of good and bad experiences filling my most colorful mixtures of chaos. Now it is time to pour.....taste....pour some more.....spit! Then take down the new recipe!

Re- seeing old Art Journal Pages

Don't feel creative. Don't want to get supplies out. Don't want to get messy. Dont have energy or time soooooo.......I thought I'd find some new backgrounds from getting up close to old work....with a new camera and......it's filters. This macro setting on the Camera Effects App for Androids is giving me new eyes. I will then use these parts in digital collages which have been fitting my mood lately.

Negative Thinking

I sit all lot trying to condense the things I don't want to do or that I have to do so that I have time to write. Im obsessed with the idea really. I'm so overwhelmed with this story. Connections happen daily that make me feel I'm on some super natural wave. I feel debilitating pressure most of the time. all of life gets in the way of writing this. But if I truly believe that this story was given to me to tell, I must then believe that whom ever gave it to me felt strongly that I could manage it. I doubt this daily as well....Its this constant time sucking argument I have. Neglecting my children, my husband, my friends what if it's never read. What if it doesn't mean anything and is not really important? Blahg......If I did not argue with myself debating and configing my precious time I would actually have more time. So knowing that why do I still feel the need to blog my issues. I want to be authentic. I want this process to be the truth. I want others to relate to how difficult our goals can be to achieve. I also spend all lot of time on others blogs....truthfully I'm a bit tired of the ultra "you can do it....you are a goddess" mentality out there. Don't get me wrong. I'm inspired constantly but I think I would appreciate a bit of truth and reality mixed in... you know the real road to your dream process. So I will attempt to be truthful here so you don't feel alone when you want to smack all the perfect blogging success stories.  So easy just do this and this and this and then you are a famous person with thousands of followers. I feel most of these blogs are done by women who don't have other jobs and could possibly be a bit self centered and egomeniacal. Remember ladies that we are probably more average then we'd like to imagine and that is great too. I'm not saying don't go for the great beautiful blog building thing, just remember you are human and probably a mom and a wife and a good friend with another job and can't just whip it together like it seems others can. (That was me talking to me!) I so want too but I can only do one thing (no I really mean 5 things) at a time. But my latest solution.......for my birthday my friend got me a Crock Pot....

How cute is my alibi though!

You can see my dilema......

Writing with Children

You' ve heard of those mothers that say i gave up my dreams to raise you......I want to be that Mom.....but I cant. So my children will be deprived and neglected, and a bit dirty and hungry, and i will be selfishly continueing the  pursuit of writing this novel. As dramatic as it seems it's what goes on in my head. It's not true at all but I think I say it to myself as a sort of escape root just incase I fear failure so much that I want to give up.....and need a good valid "I'm putting my kids first" alibi. It just gets a bit tricky when my older kids take care of so much and they even say "We'll make dinners, you go write." Oh brother! there goes that alibi. It's all just games in my head to manipulate my fears really........so quitting is not an option apparently....there really isn't a choice. I really, really don't have any valid excuses to give up. So I take a big breath, smile at my five year old and organize the next scene in my mind while doing laundry and the dishes, and when i get a chance i write it down...and when I get the next chance I edit....etc.

Workshoppers work! Did I say work? Meant play.

Just few examples of what was made those late Tues afternoons. Here they are using fabric and stitching as another media we can mix in with paint and paper!

Workshop Shots from summer '11

This was an ideal spot really. I love being outside. We had a trellis over our heads and to the right we could witness the sun setting over the sea.

Art and Kraffe Mixed media Workshops

Another summer gone by in Santa Barbara and the outdoor studio is back to being the shed that stores the recycling bins. Its the saddest thing about leaving really....all the media that was not used up and now gets stored for nine lonley months in Grandmas attic. Here is a shot of this magical place where we met once a week on tues.

A Mixed Media painting "landscape" yikes!

So lanscapes are so not my thing....but mom needed a nice painting in her outdoor room that well reflected the garden grounds. So some newspaper mixed with a little encylopedia cut outs, music notes and real leaves....add in some 3d paint, tissue paper and wall paper and we have my idea of a landscape painting.

My handmade "From Scratch" pillow.

A "From Scratch" pillow I designed for my girlfriends birthday. Her mother has passes away and this pillkw is for her to remeber her by. A soft place for her put her head when she wants to cuddle once again. It is made from left over parts and pieces of t-shirts her mother wore alot, some beach class and large seqence.